CHOPPED DOWN BY TREES, DROWNED BY LAKE?

Where do we send the Thank You Card(inal)?  Stanford, and Reggie Bush-accuser Lloyd Lake keep the Bruins from being the team that’s having “The Worst Week Ever”

Would you trade a loss to Notre Dame for:  A loss to Stanford, PLUS a lost Heisman, PLUS lost scholarships, PLUS lost Conference Titles, PLUS lost Television Revenue?

Well, that’s what sc could be facing now that the NCAA finally has a cooperative witness in the Reggie Bush SCandal.  Wannabe Agent and ex-con Lloyd Lake is now a free man, and his first order of business is to clear the air about Reggie Bush and the transgressions of the Bush family.

Lake says that he has hard evidence of the illegal financial gains that he enabled the Bushes to collect.  But since he’s an ex-con, the trojan spin machine will tell you that his information is anything but hard.  If it’s not hard, would that make him “Lake Flaccid?”

Lake is the partner that Bush couldn’t muzzle with a buyout/confidentiality clause, so who knows what he might say?  He also plans on suing the Bushes in Civil Court, so he’ll soon be swearing in open court to all these illegal goings-on at usc.  And it will all probably be broadcast LIVE on Court TV.

Lake’s attempt may fizzle in the face of the trojan legal war machine, but it IS nice to know that, at least, the NCAA hasn’t given up on the case just yet.  Cynics will say that the NCAA was just waiting for sc to lose a Home game, but the timing is based solely on Lake saying farewell to his beloved prison bunkmates.

Regardless, this is the SECOND-biggest blow to hit the trojans this week, following their stunning and humbling loss to Stanford — as a 41-point Favorite — that has the whole Country laughing at troy.  Mike Ditka best accentuated the discrepancy between the schools, when he chuckled that sc lost to a team whose players actually go to class every day.  Meanwhile, on the days that he attended classes this week, sc Back-up QB Mark Sanchez says that the loss to Stanford is all anyone is talking about.  One Professor even asked him if the trojans are going to disappoint him again this week.   Pete Carroll had to defend himself from charges that HE was the one who PERSONALLY ORDERED his team to REFUSE TO SHAKE HANDS with Stanford after the game.  And Offensive Coordinator Steve Sarkissian said that he went from signing autographs to getting booed in a just few hours, and that he should have been more conservative with his Play-Calling [which should be a lesson to all the people who complain every time UCLA runs up the middle — sometimes, conservative calls are the right calls (especially when your QB is a Virgin)].

Even ex-horrible-trojan-Football-player-turned-horrible-L.A.Times-Writer Lonnie White jumped on the trojan-bashing bandwagon, when he verbally attacked John David Booty in his article yesterday.  He snickered about Booty’s poor mobility, and his habit of staring down Receivers.  Sound familiar, Bruin fans?  White is talking about a Heisman candidate, doing the exact same things that Ben Olson has been accused of.  And now that Booty has sucked in three separate games, trojan fans are clamoring for the starting debut of Sanchez, the kid lacking the smarts to avoid  vandalism/drunk and disorderly/sexual assault SCandals.  When told last Saturday during the game that Booty was injured and that Sanchez might have to play, Mark exuded confidence, by saying:  “Uh oh.”

Luckily for Pom Pom Pete, Booty hurt his F.U. finger, so the “injury” keeps it from being a QB Controversy.  Pretty amazing that Booty has fallen from Heisman FAVORITE to benchwarmer, in 5 games.  That could be TWO Heismans that the trojans lose this Week.

And the Week hasn’t been kind to other trojans either.  You know about O.J., who got busted for Armed Robbery and Kidnapping, and then had to give up his Rolex, which turned out to be a fake… just like him.  And you also are already aware of Reggie Bush’s CHOKE of a year in New Orleans, where his tandem partner Deuce McAllister went down, and since he was carrying the team, without him, the Saints are horrible.  While now relying on Bush, the Saints remain WINLESS this season.  Analysts around the Country are blaming Bush, saying that he is just not a capable every-down NFL Back.  The most telling piece of evidence that they present:  Bush is #1 in the League, in GOING DOWN AFTER THE FIRST HIT.   Howie Long explained by saying tthat Bush wasn’t big from the waist down!  A common trojan problem if we’ve EVER heard one!

Meanwhile, Bruin Maurice Jones-Drew turned in the Run of the Week, with a 52-yard TD for victorious Jacksonville, who has won 3 straight.  Dulling the luster of that play only slightly is the fact that he turned around another Bruin, Jarrad Page, really badly in order to get into the End Zone.  But Page wasn’t as humiliated as ex-trojan LenDale White, who had his fumble returned for a 56-yard TD on Sunday.  And MJ-D wasn’t the only UCLA Drew to score in the NFL on Sunday:  WR Drew Bennett caught a TD pass for St. Louis.

 We never revel in trojan injuries, so the fact that Matt Leinart is out for the Season is not something we’ll celebrate.  However, the fact that due to his atrocious play,  he had already gotten beaten out for his job by a has-been, past-his-prime, former Grocery Store Bagger and current p-whipped Bible-thumper, BEFORE the injury, IS worth celebrating.  And the fact that he’s out for the year still qualifies as an occurrence that makes this the worst week ever for usc, with the possible exception of the week with the 13-9 game.

Another injured trojan saw how much his team misses him when he’s gone, as the Troy Polamalu-less Steelers SHUT OUT Matt Hasselbeck and the Seahawks. 

Finally, in Baseball, while the Bruins still have two All-Star-caliber Starters (Garrett Atkins, CO and Eric Byrnes, AZ) still alive in the Playoffs, all the trojans have left is an over-the-hill ass-splinter-collector (Jeff Cirillo, AZ).  What is happening to usc?  Is the steroid market in South Central finally starting to dry up?  Even PIERCE COLLEGE and Cal State Long Beach have TWO MLB guys left standing, EACH. 

Like we said, if you think UCLA, with their understandable loss to Notre Dame, is having the worst week ever, then you don’t know any trojans.