Category: News from the Dark Side
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BEST McDONALD’S DISHES EVER
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Amaze-balls!! — UCLA Recruit Lonzo Ball dazzles McDonaldland and the whole Country with his spectacular Special Sauce passes, amassing a record-tying 13 Assists as his West team cruises to victory in the prestigious McDonald’s All-American Game Lonzo knows winning. Coming off his 35-0 Championship Season, Lonzo Ball notched another W,…
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SWAGGY P – BRAIN
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The Mustard Falls Off the Hotdog — Current L.A. Laker and ex-trojan Nick “Swaggy P” Young gets accused of lewd behavior and sexually harassing a woman — and her mother — at an intersection in Hollywood What a Swagoff. You can take the player out of u$c, but you can’t…
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NEVER MIND THE BULLOCK!!
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Anarchy in the NCAA –u$c punks choke in March Madness 70-69, blowing a 5-point lead in the final 2:21, with 2 consecutive turnovers, then 3 missed Free Throws in the final minute, and finally, a blown defense, on an inbounds play with 3 seconds left, allowing Providence’s Rodney Bullock to…
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TROJAN ANCHOR SINKS CAROLINA IN SUPER BOWL SHIPWRECK
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Ka-lil, Ker-plunk: Friendly fire torpedoes Panthers, as their own Offensive Line — anchored by ex-trojan Center Ryan Kalil — is like a screen door on a submarine, allowing Denver’s Defense to get 7 Sacks, cause 4 Turnovers, and score a Touchdown in the Broncos’ 24-10 Super Bowl 50 Victory Peyton…
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THE TROJAN WART
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Choker’s Wild — Ex-trojan Carson Palmer blunders through the NFC Championship game, personally committing SIX Turnovers: TWO lost fumbles, and FOUR Interceptions, including TWO in the End Zone, and a Pick-6, dragging Arizona to a season-terminating 49-15 loss The Carolina Panthers are going to the Super Bowl. Most people will…
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SEE USC’S DIXON. SEE DIXON GET BUSTED FOR CARJACKING. DON’T BE A DIXON
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Driving it into the end zone — Ex-trojan Tight End Bryce Dixon, who had previously gotten in trouble for sexual misconduct, is now in jail for suspicion of carjacking and/or a series of robberies All’s well that ends well? Bryce Dixon was a hotshot trojan Tight End, when he got…
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DeMar DeRozan DeFrocks da trojans’ academics
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3+1 = 3 — Ex-trojan’s “duh” moment and admission that he didn’t attend college discloses u$c’s despicable academic deception Some people think that after 50 years, u$c is finally starting to close the academic gap by which it has always trailed UCLA. They claim that by using their vast financial…
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TWO CHOKE GIRLS
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Choking a gift horse in the mouth — Trojan “stars” Kessler and Smith-Schuster both totally choke in the final 30 seconds of the Holiday Bowl, allowing Wisconsin to salvage a 23-21 victory, DESPITE a Badgers’ game-winning Touchdown being disallowed on a blatantly BLOWN CALL For a while, it looked like…
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ROSEN IMPLOSION
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UCLA’s True Freshman Quarterback finally plays like a True Freshman, committing three straight critical Turnovers, one returned for a game-changing TD, as UCLA blows a second-half 21-20 lead to lose 40-21, ending the Bruins’ three-game winning streak against the trojans Josh Rosen is a great Quarterback. Even as a True…
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THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS
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Fool’s Gold? — UCLA’s Defense (still missing its 3 best players) holds Utah’s Offense to ZERO Touchdowns — IN Utah — and Bruin “replacement player” Jayon Brown recovers a fumble with 1:09 to go to preserve a 17-9 victory, but the Utes’ Offense was missing ITS two best players, so keep things…
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CAUGHT REDD-HANDED
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Sigh-less — Yet ANOTHER ex-trojan gets busted for cheating, as Redskin Running Back Silas Redd receives a 4-game suspension for SUBSTANCE ABUSE The beat goes on, and on, and on. Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but the word “trojan” and the word “cheater” are synonymous. For the umpteenth…
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(CHO)KING OF THE CASSEL
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Dallas Clownboy — Matt Cassel is just one of three ex-trojan QB’s to drop the ball… into their opponents’ hands on Sunday; Two of them cost their teams the game, while the other one was bailed out, against an ex-trojan Coach, who was just one of three ex-trojan Coaches to…