Like babies with rattles, rattled trojans scream and panic when their plane hits some turbulence on the way to South Bend
And you thought they had hit some turbulence ON THE FIELD!
To live up to a #1 Preseason Ranking, it takes Courage, and sometimes Heroism. And now you know why sc isn’t even in the Top 10 any more. As if the humiliating and historic choke to Stanford and the two pathetic near-losses to Washington and Arizona weren’t enough to prove it, a traumatic plane flight just did: When under pressure, the trojans wilt. In fact, some of them scream like little girls, and panic like little old ladies.
During the flight to the Notre Dame game, the sc plane hit a storm. Every time that we have ever been in that situation, the flight crew instructs the passengers to get into their seats and buckle up. There is no reason to think that an announcement of this sort wasn’t made to the trojans. But these are the trojans, and they don’t have to follow the “rules.” Rules are for pussies.
So when the plane hit an air pocket, dozens of un-buckled trojans went flying head-first into the ceiling. Apparently, the 300-500 foot drop caused some people who WERE wearing seat belts to break through them, and hit their heads anyway.
What is missing from this story are any anecdotes of heroics. Where were the trojan players who were helping the women and children on board? Too busy worrying about themselves? Even though Quarterback John David Booty insisted that it wasn’t even the worst flight that he’s been on, Fullback Stanley Havili said that he thought he was going to die. Safety Taylor Mays was heard screaming by some seagulls that were passing by. And worst of all, one player got injured: Defensive End Lawrence Jackson. Allegedly misunderstanding the Mile High Club rules, he was “sucking on a popsicle” when the plane went down too, and he scraped the inside of his mouth with a popsicle stick. Sources report that he will not petition the NCAA for a Medical Redshirt. And if you’re a fan, even a trojan fan, who thinks that Jackson doesn’t deserve this abuse, well, he’s the same player that just BASHED his own fans – and ALL fans – by saying: “They don’t know what’s going on. They don’t know a good season from a bad season. They wake up and think the trojans should go 13-0.” Why would trojan fans even want to support a guy who says things like that to the Media?
And here’s some information for Jackson: It’s not just the fans who think sc is severely underachieving: sc Asst. Coach Pat Ruel still is under the delusion that sc is as good as a Pro team. He said that if they played the Green Bay Packers and Favre threw 3 picks, sc would win. And here’s some info for Ruel: Just because they get paid, it doesn’t mean that they are as good as actual Professionals, or any good at all, for that matter. And it’s guaranteed: FAVRE would crash into the cockpit and guide the plane to safety, or at least comfort other passengers, instead of just kissing his own ass goodbye.
Head Coach Pete Carroll confirmed the collective Mass Cowardice shown by his team, saying that when they landed, his players “kissed the ground.” He added that they might not get on the return flight, unless he gets the airline to agree to NOT serve popsicles.
[DISCLAIMER: Try to remember — This site is SATIRE. We don’t really wish that the plane had gone down, and we wouldn’t make fun of the injured player if the injury was serious. And yes, we would have been scared sh!tless, too. Only a psycho wouldn’t be… but we would have buckled up!]