FRED FLINTSTONED

[UPDATED:  12/7/11, 10:00PM]

Get the Fred Out — Yet ANOTHER ex-trojan gets busted for substance abuse, as Fred Davis gets hit with a 4-game suspension by the NFL after failing multiple drug tests

And they say that usc doesn’t teach their student-athletes anything of SUBSTANCE.

For the umpteenth time, a trojan athlete has been caught repeatedly breaking the rules, by doing illegal drugs or some other banned substance.  This time, it’s Washington Redskins Tight End Fred Davis.  It is not being disclosed what Fred’s drug of choice is, so one can only speculate.  The first guess would be Steroids, since usc has such a rich history in that area, with Mark McGwire, the Ting Brothers, Brandon Hancock, and Brian Cushing all alleged experts in the field.  Add to that tradition the fact that Davis was SUDDENLY and inexplicably having the best season of his career, and the thought of Human Growth Hormone HAS to be suspected.

If not a Performance Enhancer, could it have been Pot?  If so, and he only smoked it on trips back to California, maybe he wasn’t breaking the Law — Maybe the Marijuana was Fredicinal.  Or could the Intoxicant Du Jour have been Cocaine?  He did seem to be moving a lot faster this year.  And I haven’t seen his teeth, but could it have been Crystal Methamphetamine?  He probably didn’t learn any MATH at usc, but he probably knows a lot about Meth.

And if you “do the Math,” you’ll realize that the 4-game suspension — without pay — knocks Davis out for the rest of the regular season.  He could return for the Playoffs, but his Redskins are 4-8, and probably NOT going to make the Postseason, especially not without their starting Tight End.  So Davis’s drug abuse didn’t just hurt himself, it hurt the whole organization, severely.  And if any of the Country’s 25 Million Fantasy Football participants were stupid enough to take a chance on Davis, they are now totally boned, and will face their Fantasy Playoffs (which start THIS week) without a Tight End, since their trading deadline has passed, and not many people carry a reserve TE.

So once again, a selfish trojan with no Integrity or respect for the Rules/Laws has cost his teammates and fans dearly, all in the name of pleasuring himself or trying to “win at all costs.”  And just like other substance abusers Cushing, McGwire, Todd Marinovich, and O.J. Mayo, not to mention Reggie Bush, Davis was too idiotic or arrogant to think that he would get caught.  OR… he just thought that he could get away with it because SC owns the Police, or that he could make it go away with bribes or lawyers.  What do you think went through his mind after the FIRST FEW failed drug tests, that he would keep on toking, or snorting, or having someone stick a hypodermic syringe in his ass and dosing him with Juice?

What happens next?  Well, if History has taught us anything, Davis will DENY GUILT.  Just like Cushing and McGwire, he will claim total innocence, and insist that he didn’t know that his Erectile Dysfunction Lotion  (or whatever) contained a substance banned by the League.  Despite mounds of evidence and the damning statements of other players, Cushing never admitted his cheating.  At least McGwire, AFTER LYING TO CONGRESS, finally broke down in tears and accepted the blame for what he did.  Of course, he relented only as a last ditch effort to be allowed into the Hall of Fame, and to get a job in Baseball.  He did get hired by one of his old teams, but the Hall voters weren’t fooled.

Since Davis has no such incentives to cop to his crimes, you can bet that he will DENY ON, or just offer up some ludicrous excuse, or maybe even accuse the NLF Lab of having a vendetta against him.  He’s in Washington, so maybe he can get an Executive Pardon with the help of Councilman Marion Barry.  Of course all trojan fans will immediately pardon him, since they take no issue with breaking the rules, as long as it helps you win.  There are some rumblings that the Redskins will throw him off the team, but no worries for Fred — I’m sure his former Coach Pete Carroll will scoop him up for the Seahawks.  Obviously, Carroll won’t have a problem with a chemically-enhanced freak — He made his reputation by cultivating and exploiting a whole bunch of them.

[P.S. –Davis’ replacement in the Redskins’ starting line-up will be BRUIN Logan Paulsen!!  Thanks. Fred!!]