BENGALS, SC “ACADEMICS,” AND BENGALS ARE LICKING THEIR WOUNDS THANKS TO COLLISON, FLAKE, AND PALMER

Idaho St.’s lowly-touted Bengals can’t SLOW UP Darren Collison, who leads Bruins to 40-point win;  Troy can’t SHUT UP John David Booty, who flakes on practice to go to the L.B. Aquarium for “30% of his grade;” and Cinci can’t PUT UP with Carson Palmer, who loses to the lowly Niners, clinching a losing season for his highly-touted Bengals

Tigers in a Spotlight, From the Beginning —  If something doesn’t make sense in the next few paragraphs, you can just assume that it’s an ELP reference that you don’t get.  For instance:  Today’s article is a TRILOGY of stories, and you’re a Lucky Man if you have time to read it.  But there is no Fanfare for the Common Man, so don’t expect a Hoedown to be thrown in your honor.

For those of you under 40, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer (“ELP”) is a Progressive Rock Band from the 70’s, who made “Hoedown” popular before the Beef Council did, and whose song “Karn Evel Nine” is the soundtrack for the Dr. Pepper commercial with the fat football player’s wild Touchdown celebration.  “Come and see the show…”

But this week, it was Collison, Flake, and Palmer making beautiful music to our ears.  Darren returned to form with 20 Points to lead UCLA to an easy 89-49 victory.  With Russell Westbrook having a quiet night and with the ISU Defense concentrating on Kevin Love, Collison had opportunity to shine.  And shine he did, saying after the game that he was tired of everyone saying that he really wasn’t “back” yet.  Especially impressive was Collison’s perimeter game.  Speaking of perimiter games, Michael Roll shook off a slow start to hit three three’s, as Roll too tries to get back in form.

Despite all the best efforts of the Bengals, Kevin Love still got 17 points, missing another Double-Double by one Board.  Behind him, Josh Shipp (16 Points) and DC, the Bruins capitalized on a rare fast start, and rolled to a big early lead.  They came out strong after the Break too, and pushed the margin to 30, where it hovered for the remainder.  The highlight of garbage time was a 40(+)-foot buzzer-beater by crowd favorite bench warmer Matt Lee.

Speaking of garbage, this is slightly OLD NEWS, but since it was brought up again in the L.A. Times yesterday, we thought that it should be immortalized HERE:  USC Quarterback John David Booty missed Football practice the other day, in order to go on a Field Trip.  Ordinarily, it would be a shock to see a trojan prioritize something relating to schoolwork over Football, but in this case, it is understandable.  As Booty explains it, the trip to the Long Beach Aquarium is worth 30% of his grade, and he really needs that 30%.

This is right up there with Leinart’s Ballroom Dancing.  All Booty has to do to in essence “ace his midterm” is SHOW UP at the aquarium and look at some eels and jellyfish?  Holy MACKEREL!  Why did the trojan Professor decide to value the trip so highly, just to BAIT us, or just for the HALIBUT?  Oh COD, did we really just say that?  It gets worse:  Instead of getting an A-through-F “letter grade,” Booty requested to take the course “Bass/Fail.” (With puns like these, can you believe that we’ll work for “scale?”)  This Fish Tail is such a joke, that it might just knock Leinart off his PERCH as biggest b.s. “student-athlete” in troy QB history.

And speaking of getting knocked off their perch, ex-trojan Carson Palmer, of “The Carson Cornhole Classic,” is FLOUNDERING, losing fans right and left, after leading — make that “dragging” — his Cincinnati Bengals to their Coach’s first ever losing record.  Cinci was supposed to challenge for their Division Title this year, and were even some people’s pick to win it all.  With one of the League’s best one-two punches at Wide Receiver, and with an established Back running the ball, Cinci still has managed to go 5-and-9 this year.  Lucky for Palmer that Jon Kitna’s team has collapsed after a 6-2 start, or Palmer would REALLY BE HAUNTED by the former Bengal Starter who was sent packing PREMATURELY to make room for Palmer.  Now, they can watch the Playoffs together, from Carson’s living room, probably while practicing for his next Cornhole Classic.