Dedicated to the HATRED of all things trOJan


“It’s a Moll World, after all…  It’s a Moll World after all…  It’s A Moll World after all… It’s a Moll, Moll World

If the fix has been in, how come this 9-peat has NEVER happened before?

In the quasi-classic Sci-Fi film “Total Recall,” Ahhnold’s character selects a woman who is “sleazy and demure.”  UCLA Spirit Squad Director Mollie, and her Professional panel of non-partisan Judges, were selecting for something completely different.

32 girls tried out for the 9 slots on the Dance Team, and the 9 Winners were chosen by Secret Ballots, which were kept hermetically sealed inside a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls’ porch since April 20th, and then tabulated by the prestigious Accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe.

The part about the 32 girls trying for 9 spots is true….  What’s amazing about that, is that in the olden days of not so long ago, they used to have hundreds and hundreds of prospective girls come try out.  You think 9 from 32 is hard, try 9 from 1032.

But there is one absolute truth:  Regardless of how many participants audition, the Squad is selected by the VOTES OF THE JUDGES, and nothing else.  There is no closed-door clandestine meeting of The Stonecutters with Patrick Stewart telling Homer to kill the electric car, make Steve Guttenberg a star (again), or keep the illustrious Dance Team together.

Skeptical?  Of course you are, especially after the scathing letter that came in here from an apparently well-informed reader which challenged all that is holy in Molliewood.  Are you thinking that the odds are astronomical — like hitting the Super Lotto — for all NINE returning Girls to somehow get voted into the top 9 slots out of 32 entrants?

Well, if you want to talk about longshot odds and probabilities, let’s widen the sample size, from one day to two decades.  If you look at the last 20+ Auditions, this is the first and only time that no returnees got snubbed.  In other words, the odds actually MANDATED that a Total Recall would happen, sooner, rather than later.

Another factor that tilts the odds in the Returnees’ favor is EXPERIENCE, and experience with Mollie specifically.  Mollie runs a tight ship, and requires her students to be alert and responsive.  She even told the Judges to grade the Girls closely on “following directions.”  So every little instruction that Mollie gave to the auditioners, right down to hitting their marks (designated positions on the floor), had to be followed immediately, to the letter.  Now, here’s the key:  The RETURNING Girls already know this about Mollie, and about the Audition process, so the Veterans were always the ones who were more on the ball, and almost ANTICIPATING what Mollie would call for next.

That previous knowledge gives the Returnees a “leg up” on all the newcomers. Therefore, if all other talent and personality gauges yield a toss-up, the Returnees would get the nod.

“Gee whiz, T-H, that sure makes sense.”

Yes it does, but there’s more.  The Returnees are much less nervous, having gone through the potentially-harrowing process at least once already.  That sense of calm is extremely noticeable in the Interviews, and also in the ad lib cheering that the Girls were asked to perform spotaneously.  The bottom line is that the Girls who have made it before know exactly what Mollie has the Judges looking for, and that gives them the advantage.

But remember:  Even WITH that advantage, a complete Reunion has NEVER occurred before.  If there was some shenanigans going on, this situation would NOT be UNPRECEDENTED.

If you are wondering why the amount of auditioners is down so dramatically, the answer is Academics.  As the Admission curve has steepened, less and less scholars are willing and capable of dedicating so much time and energy into Spirit activities, while still maintaining their academic excellence.

And speaking of excellence, I want to stress that Mollie is aware of the murmurs of impropriety, and is not freaked out.  She is CONTENT with her immutable knowledge that she does everything above-board.  She wasn’t even mad that I posted the skeptical letters.  It’s a controversy that she welcomes into the light of day, so she can set the record straight, and set all our minds at ease.  UCLA Spirit is in good hands, and that’s an understatement.  And to think, five years ago, I was having recurring nightmares, with Mollie as the Star Antagonist.  It is EXTREMELY rare for me to change my opinion of someone so dramaticlly, in the positive way, like I have with Mollie.  She went from honorary trojan (due to my ignorance) to one of my favorite people in the World.

And now, from the Moll of Fame, to the Hall of Fame:  Bruin Quarterback Supreme Troy Aikman was just selected for induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.  Aikman is more famous for leading the Dallas Cowboys to THREE Super Bowl Championships (soon after starting 1-15 his first year), but before all of that he was a great Bruin.

Aikman had a knack for throwing the ball in the spot with the least risk of Interception.  In other words, on the rare occasion where he missed his targets, he would miss AWAY from the defender.  That “ability” allowed Aikman to take the Bruins to right near the Top of the Polls, despite less-than-Hall of Fame Coaching.  And of course, let’s not forget the elephant in the room: Aikman failed in both of his attempts to Beat SC.  Of course that will forever tarnish his Bruin Legacy, but Aikman has done so much for the reputation of UCLA since graduating — by being a total Winner on and off the field — that he has MORE than made up for those two games 20-something years ago.       

Meanwhile, while a famous Bruin is getting honored, the trojans are busy being weasels:  In Rowing, usc just got told that because of their use of Estonian Nationals on their Club, that they are INELIGIBLE for the Pac-10 Championships.  Apparently, the Pac-10 requires that these guys actually take a real class.  The controversy forced the cancellation of a UCLA-usc Rowing match-up, when the troy Coach failed to return the Bruin Coach’s calls about who would be allowed to participate.  Then, the trojan Coach bit off the head of an Internet journalist (not me), for asking the basic questions about the situation.  Typical trojan, biting the hand that feeds — There can’t possibly be that many Web Sites dedicated to Rowing — and now, one of them has been seriously alienated by usc.

All this talk about rowing has us imagining a quick vacation to the Islands (not the Hamburger Restaurant), where you just might see a crew of Hawaiians racing a catamaran around the Bay at Waikiki Beach… if you are watching the opening credits of Hawaii Five-0.  But if you want to get in the Hawaiian Spirit, and you’re in the Mall, you should be thankful you’re a Bruin and not a trojan (for more than just the obvious resons).  According to “Don the Beachcomber’s,” not the old Marina Del Rey Restaurant, but a chain mall store that sells Hawaiian stuff, sc sucks.

The store carries two different styles of Reyn Spooner Hawaiian UCLA shirts, one reasonably-priced at $62 (compared to most others at $80+).  Reyn Spooner makes the identical products with usc designs, but usc WON’T ALLOW THE STORE TO SELL THEM.  Apparently, usc wants to sell them all themselves, and doesn’t want to share any of the profit.  What a shocker.  But we should all rejoice:  That foolish policy just means that we won’t have to look at so many ketchup and mustard shirts around town.

[Added note:  There’s still time for your football
if you are interested…]

  Good things come in Moll packages.

Scenes from a Mollie

Be happy that Elise is wearing slacks, because if she were in a skirt, we wouldn’t be able to show you just how limber she is.

I promise you:  There were NOT 9 auditioners better than Elise that day in Mollie Pavilion.

Too Fast, Too Fast For Love  (Yeah, that’s one from the Motley CRUE [sorry, no oomlatz], but it’s four for the UCLA Crew.)

Yeah, yeah, I know:  “Curves, Goddess, !!!!!!!, etc, etc.”  Ya know what?  I found her first!!  Just kidding — But seriously, she is TOO NICE a girl to be subjected to all these over-the-top reactions.

Great Fate, Mate!  How did you rate a slate of Eight “Kates?” — I don’t know, but in this case, eight is NOT enough.

"TOTAL RECALL NOT DUE TO VIXEN-FIXIN’" was published on May 2nd, 2008 and is listed in Blue & Gold News, UCLA/usc/Cheerleader Photos.

Comments on "TOTAL RECALL NOT DUE TO VIXEN-FIXIN’": 5 Comments

  1. doug wrote,

    You do know that the dance team has a coach that works with them at all their practices? That is a huge reason why the team has been so good for the last 6 years. I also think that is why the same 9 girls made it back. They have had a year (or 2 or 3) working with the coach and they know the dance style that she requires.

  2. Marcus C.V. wrote,

    Well, as long as they don’t end up like ASU’s cheer squad (see link), I’m happy. Go BRUINS!!

  3. miltk wrote,

    well, i hope it doesn’t become so academically exclusive that we end up with a dance team that looks like stanford or cal….and no i don’t mean “ethnically” exclusive, i mean beauty. ucla gals should be hot by definition. we went through a process long ago did we not, when after being chosen by the frats, the school decided to be “fair” in the early 70’s and chose by other criteria,,,and we ended up with some really mediocre beauties.

  4. john wrote,

    I left this comment in another thread but it got lost. Some of the other criteria for selecting the team are physical appearance, body, attitude, there is a short interview, and also each year team members evaluate each other and this is part of the returning members scores. If they are given negative feedback by teammates, that hurts their chances. There is definitely politics as well. Two years ago, Kristin completely fell on her face at try outs and still made the team. It is about who they want many times. There are girls who have had great try outs but maybe weren’t in the highest standing with Mollie and crew and thus didn’t make it back. They definitely have to have talent, but there’s a lot more that goes into it.

  5. Neskbype wrote,

    nice work, dude

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