SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION

Oooooh!  Aaaaah! — There will be Fireworks on Opening Night, in the sky as well as on the sidelines, if not on the field, as Shell-shocked UCLA gets the bombshell that Sheller could be shelved.

Are the Bruins being Punk’d?  Just as they decide to light the punk — to set off a postgame pyrotechnics display — they find out that one of the key fuses to their Offensive explosiveness this season might have just crashed and burned.

The announcement about the psychedelic Fireworks Show may really light your fire, but the flames should be temporarily doused by the news that Starting Tackle Sean Sheller sustained a potentially-serious leg injury or two in an ATV accident.  Sheller was driving an All-Terrain Vehicle, but he wasn’t driving off-road.  He just lost balance going around a curve, and injured his leg when he tried to put it out to steady the vehicle.

With an already-suspect Offensive Line, this injury could really set the Bruins back.  It is not known for sure how long Sheller will be out, but with the OL depth being the biggest question mark on Rick Neuheisel’s team, it’s logical to think that Sheller’s replacement will get less Pancakes than Valerie Bertinelli gets on her Jenny diet.

There is one new hope though:  The Bruins are going to have 6′ 5″ 285lb  Junior College transfer Donovan Edwards joining their O-Line this Fall.  Edwards needs to get high marks in his two Summer courses, but if he does, he will be eligible to start helping the possibly Sheller-less Bruins right away.

But even with Edwards, the Bruins are still expected to be dangerously weak in the Blocking department.  And when you put that together with an immobile, fragile, and methodical QB, you have a recipe for disaster.  Maybe that’s why all the early Preview mags are picking the Bruins to finish the season with a Record hovering around .500.  It will be up to Norm Chow to devise a plan to minimize the detriment of an overpowered  O-Line, and to make all these “experts” chow down on their words.

And now it’s ALMOST time to chow down on an absolute FEAST for the eyes.  Since the unenlightened and apparently not un-intoxicated readers of Scott Wolf are once again singing the praises of the Oregon Duck Cheerleaders, we felt it necessary to REMIND everyone who resides at the top of the Spirit Food Chain. 

But first, speaking of intoxicated:  DIDN’T DWAYNE JARRETT GET THE MEMO?   This week, Jarrett entered a GUILTY plea to a charge of Driving Under the Influence — Doesn’t he know that trojans never have to take the rap?  Did he miss the O.J. trial?  If trojans can get away with a double-murder, a little goof like driving drunk shouldn’t be any problem. 

And Jarrett has experience getting off — He was the one who was living with Matt Leinart in the luxurious Medici Apartments, virtually rent-free, thanks to Leinart’s Dad.  In THAT case, he just had to pay back the money, and his suspension was lifted before he even missed one single game.  So you would think that he would know better than to ADMIT to anything.   Didn’t he catch last week’s Lofa Tatupu DUI trial?  Dwayne’s fellow ex-trojan Tatupu, who also allegedly got caught red-handed blowing the lid off a breathalyzer, pleaded Not Guilty anyway.  Why not?  With a track record in Court like sc’s, it’s always smart to spin the wheel of justice.

So why would Jarrett cop a plea?  Maybe the DUI was just the TIP of the iceberg.  Maybe he had major drugs on him, or a sex slave tied up in the trunk, but the Cops didn’t have a valid warrant.  There just HAS to be a reason why Jarrett just rolled over.  Why plead out when you’re above the law?

And now, nine more thoroughly-intoxicating, 100-proof photos that prove that anyone who doubts the Bruins’ superiority must have a pickled brain.  If it were a head-to-head battle, Oregon would be sitting ducks.