Build a better souse trap — Trojans show no sympathy to disease-ridden Sarkisian, firing him on the very day he enters rehab for his alcoholism
Sympathy from the Devils? Not quite. Just one day after expressing sorrow and concern for Head trojan Football Coach Steve Sarkisian, U$C Athletic Director Pat Haden has axed him. Yesterday, Haden put Sark on a Leave of Absence, implying that the University cared about Sark’s addiction, and wanted to nurse him back to health. So in order to help Sark recover, Haden fired his ass today. Doesn’t getting fired make you want to drown your sorrows… in alcohol?
Of course, Sarkisian is NOT getting fired because of the alcoholic demons that are haunting him — He is absolutely being fired due to his team underachieving on the gridiron. Usc is 3-2 and unranked, after starting the season at #6 in the National Polls. Last week’s inexplicable upset HOME loss to unranked Washington was the actual nail in Sark’s coffin — Sark’s public inebriation at this week’s meetings is just the EXCUSE sc needed to get rid of a lousy Football Coach. Sc doesn’t want to look too impatient with a struggling Coach, because it might scare away future candidates for the position. But firing him due to a “morals clause violation” and for publicly humiliating the Program won’t scare away anyone.
This is the second alleged alcoholic Coach that sc has fired recently, counting their former Basketball Coach Kevin O’Neill. I wonder who the next Football Coach will be — Foster Brooks? Arthur? Arthur 2? Drunk Uncle from SNL? Sc will also need a Basketball Coach pretty soon, as their Hoops Program continues to flounder under Andy Enfield, so hopefully they can get two guys who can be drinking buddies, who can bob their heads together like Night at the Roxbury when they go out carousing.
Maybe Haden likes hiring the chemically-dependent. Perhaps he likes to have weak-minded underlings so that he can outwit them, and control them, with Jedi mind tricks. Someone tell Pat that Dean Martin was only pretending to be drunk… and died 20 years ago, and that Andy Capp is a fictional character. C’mon Pat — Turn over a new leaf — I hear Tim Tebow is available.
I already talked about Pete Carroll’s Seahawks blowing a 17-point, 4th quarter lead to lose to the Bengals on Sunday. Now I will add to it two former Trojan players-turned-coaches who struggled this weekend: Jack Del Rio’s Raiders lost again, falling to 2-3, and Jeff Fisher’s Rams lost again, making THEM 2-3 also. To make matters even worse for Fisher, it was a huge near-sack by BRUIN Datone Jones of Green Bay that forced the St. Louis QB to throw a game-changing interception.
While all 3 trojan Coaches failed this weekend, the top 3 trojan NFL Wide Receivers continued to disappoint. While Marqise Lee is still out injured, his Jaguars fell to 1-4. Meanwhile Robert Woods’ Bills and Nelson Agholor’s Eagles both got big wins — with ABSOLUTELY NO HELP from Woods or Agholor, Woods caught a total of 1 pass for 6 yards, and Agholor caught 1 pass for 5 yards. Woods has only 1 score in 5 games, and Agholor is still a Pro virgin when it comes to scoring. It used to be that just trojan QUARTERBACKS were certain Pro BUSTS — but now it’s about time to add WIDE RECEIVERS to that list. It must be all that great Coaching they got from the Louse, the Mouse, and the Souse. Since this latest trojan Drunk Coach Debacle, one prized recruit has already de-committed from u$c — can it be long before others follow suit?