IT’S A GAME OF ITCHES

Stab U. is now Crab U., where instead of talkin’ trash, they’re talkin’ rash, because the trojans have been overcome by a mysterious case of (Dumb-)Jock Itch

Okay — Who put the itching powder in the football players’ jock straps?  And who put the fizzies in the swimming pool?

Isn’t this a scene from “Revenge of the Nerds,” or “Animal House?”

Over at Figueroa Tech this week during Football Practice, a full TWENTY-FIVE percent of the team has come down with Crotch Rot.  Quick — Someone call the World Health Organization, before the epidemic spreads.  And just HOW is this getting passed from player to player?  Have the trojan Swordsmen been “crossing swords,” or worse yet, “sword-swallowing?”

The trojan spin machine went to work in a hurry, in an effort to CONTAIN the public speculation better than the disease itself was contained.  The official word is that some new sort of uniform undergarment was causing severe chafing… but could that undergarment have actually been a Song Girl’s panties, removed, and thrown on the floor in the corner of the locker room shower?  With all the latest SCandalous photos of the Song Girls, including the one with the Dong Bong, the public certainly has the right to make certain leaps of faith.  But much MORE likely than that scenario is one that involves Tommy, the skirt-wearing mascot.  And there is also that Internet photo of Rey-Rey Malaluga wearing a shocking pink THONG — Maybe it was the “sample thong” that fat women try on at Wal-Mart before making their purchase.

To avoid further contamination, Pete Carroll has banned thongs, and Carroll will personally apply ALL the ointment to his players, while reading them passages from “The Inner Game of Tennis” (something about playing with fuzzy balls),  “Brian’s Song,” and “Love Story.”

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And speaking of Love Story, I’d like to congratulate “Lisa,” of the UCLA Dance Team, for being honored as SI.com’s current Cheerleader of the Week.  As I mentioned yesterday, I am now starting a project that severely limits my time to update this site, so, unfortunately, I just don’t have time to give you the Lisa photo-tribute that is clearly warranted.  But you know what?  She deserves better than being attached to an article about those crotch-scratchers from across town, anyway.   Consider this a Lisa I.O.U.

Meanwhile, one REAL photo of the trojans, who appear to be headed to a questionable destination.