Dedicated to the HATRED of all things trOJan


I hope he didn’t injure his crunchberries.

Milking SIX “Captain & Cokes” sailed soggy Maualuga to near-double the legal limit when he crunched a teen girl’s car into another teen girl’s car, a parking meter, and another parked car;  His “Not Guilty” plea could mean that sc plans on sugar-coating this whole thing

Got a little Captain in you?  Got a little TOO MUCH?  Didn’t you hear the Captain’s Orders?  They were to “Drink Responsibly.”  Looks like someone disobeyed the Captain’s Orders.

Ex-trojan Rey Maualuga of the Cincinnati Bengals is facing 30 days in Jail for crashing a car after admittedly downing a half-dozen Captain Morgan Rum & Coke cocktails.  Of course, he won’t do a single one of those 30 days behind bars, because he’s a big star in Kentucky (where many root for the nearby Bengals), and because sc probably still has his back.  They don’t want the school to be dirtied even more than it already has been this week.  And it’s a good thing for Rey that they do have his back, because if they didn’t, he might have to spend a month in the Pokey, where he just might once again have a “little captain” in him.

Maualuga, according to eyewitnesses and the videotape, still seemed groggy and out of it when he was released from his 7 hours in Jail (after the 1:45am arrest) and entered his “Not Guilty” plea.  Considering that there were witnesses of the crash (who called it in to Police), and considering that Rey admitted having 6 mixed drinks prior to crashing, and finally, considering that he blew a 1.57 when the legal limit is .8, a “Not Guilty” plea is intriguing.  What could his defense possibly be?  The only viable strategy I can think of would be to claim that Rey Rey was still distraught over the freakish death of teammate Chris Henry this past year.  Henry fell out of the back of his girfriend’s Pick-up.  If this horrible tragedy is what has caused Rey to make this mistake, I actually feel for him… but killing someone else on the road is no way to mourn.

If Maualuga is indeed found Guilty as charged, not only will he possibly have to spend a month incarcerated, but the NFL is likely to pile on.  Apparently, a two-game suspension and a fine of $50,000 is not out of the question.  Of course to an NFL (or usc) Player, 50K is chickenfeed.  The street cred from being an ex-con might even be worth the 50 G’s, in merchandising alone.

Remember when the NFL banned its players from striking the Captain Morgan pose as a TD celebration?  Knowing the average arrogance and lack of remorse of a typical trOJan, look for Rey Rey to strike the forbidden pirate pose the first time he scores.  Consider it a tribute to the pedestrian he probably near-missed before he crashed into the parked cars and parking meter.

"CAPTAIN CRUNCH!" was published on January 30th, 2010 and is listed in News from the Dark Side.

Comments on "CAPTAIN CRUNCH!": 1 Comment

  1. UCLADal wrote,

    Great pic T-H!! I love it! It might be time for some Cap’n Crunch myself. It’s always a good way to spice up my Cherrios.

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