ALL IN ALL, IT’S JUST ANOTHER PRICK IN THE HALL

To replace Pete the Cheat Carroll, Heritage Hall steals back Lane the Stain Kiffin, the “flat-out liar” who “brought disgrace” to the Raiders, and brought Armed Robbers, a “Rapist,” a Hostess scandal, and a host of other violations to Tennessee before screwing the Volunteers in the middle of the night and causing a near-riot

Send in the Clone.

Who better as SUC-cessor to slimy Dr. Evil Pete Carroll than Pete’s Mini-Me, Lane Kiffin?

After being rejected by Mike Riley, Jeff Fisher, Jack Del Rio, Steve Sarkissian, and possibly Chris Peterson, usc’s probable lame duck Athletic Director Mike Garrett settled for Lane Kiffin as the new Head Football Coach of the trojans.  That leaves Herm Edwards, Jon Gruden, and Steve Mariucci on the outside looking in, waiting for impending sanctions and/or bad coaching and/or NEW violations to take Kiffin out in a couple of years.

It wouldn’t be a shock.  Kiffin has a decidedly losing record as a Head Coach.  He is 12-21 overall, going 5-15 in 2 seasons with the Raiders, and 7-6 last year at Tennessee.  It is such a horrible track record, that you have to wonder if he’s the best sc could do.  Maybe no one with a decent record was interested in going to a school facing NCAA penalties.  OR, maybe sc knows that they are going to lose any Coach when the NCAA hammer falls, so they sacrifice Kiffin, holding out on Peterson until after the Bowl Ban is lifted.

Everyone expected the trojans to hire a squeaky-clean candidate — the antithesis to Carroll’s above-the-law fantasy world.  Instead, they hire the dirtiest, sleaziest, most cited guy in the Nation, who learned and suckled at the teet of Carroll, who caused the sanctions to BE impending in the first place.  What is Garrett trying to tell the NCAA by hiring a guy whom they are already investigating?  If Kiffin is NOT a sacrificial virgin, then Garrett is announcing to the whole world that usc owns the NCAA, and can continue their agenda of doing ANYTHING to win regardless of the rules.  The act of hiring Kiffin itself should be proof of Lack of Institutional Control.

Kiffin’s lousy record and lack of head coaching experience will be overcome by his hiring of great assistants.  His Dad Monte will be the Defensive Coordinator, and he is already a legend in the field.  He invented the “Cover 2” (or “Tampa 2?”) Defense, and is like the Tex Winter of Football, College or Pro.  And Ed Orgeron is back at sc as the Recruiting Coordinator, where he has enjoyed overwhelming success.  Of course when you can offer SUV’s, Houses, access to Agents, and envelopes of cash to prospects, you SHOULD have overwhelming success.  Now that sc is under the NCAA microscope, they might not be able to get away with THEIR style of recruiting.  On the other hand, they have been getting away with it for 50 years, so it’s certain that they will just find a new way to hide the payouts.

As for sc’s OFFENSE, it looks like Kiffin is trying to lure Norm Chow back to the Dark Side.  ESPN reported that it was just a matter of negotiating the contract, but has since backpedaled, and now it sounds like Chow is trying to decide whether or not to take the extra money, and go back to sc, where he could win a Heisman with Matt Barkley next year.  Perhaps he is giving Rick Neuheisel a chance to talk him out of it, or perhaps he is giving UCLA a chance to give him a raise of their own.

It would be nice if he stayed in Westwood, for two main reasons.  #1 is it would suck for sc to just poach a Bruin Coach just by dangling a large wad of cash in front of him, and it would give the trojans way too much satisfaction..  #2 is that Chow was probably going to have a little more talent to work with at UCLA this year, and it would be great to watch it develop, especially after two horrible years.  However, if Chow leaves, the Bruins would be losing a guy who hasn’t recaptured the success he had in the Bush years, and it’s been quite a while.  I’m not saying that the game has “passed him by,” but his presence at sc wouldn’t guarantee them an Offensive juggernaut, and his replacement at UCLA might not end up being a huge drop-off, and might last a lot longer.  That being said, I still prefer that Norm stay put to finish what he started, and show some respect for The Rivalry, by not crossing and then directly re-crossing lines.

And speaking of RESPECT, there is a reason why no one with a brain has any respect for Kiffin.  In fact there are A LOT of reasons.  Starting with what Oakland Raiders Owner Al Davis has to say.  Davis gave Kiffin his first shot at Head Coaching, and Kiffin repaid him by allegedly lying like a rug.  Davis called him a flat-out liar who brought disgrace to the Organization.  And Davis is not just blowing smoke — he is backing up his claims by taking Kiffin to Court with a lawsuit.  Not that Davis is completely sane or always right, but he does have a wicked team of lawyers, who might advise against a suit that is completely frivolous.  I mean, these guys aren’t the 222-2222 bus side ad accidente lawyers.  Sure, Al can make them do whatever he wants, but I still doubt that his entire case against Kiffin is completely without merit.

But speaking of without merit, when Kiffin went to Tennessee, he immediately showed the world everything that Pete Carroll had taught him.  He started out by signing a recruit who helped RAPE a RELATIVE.  Kiffin also had 3 of his players arrested for Armed Robbery, which they apparently committed while wearing Tennessee Football jerseys or gear.  Kiffin also accused saintly Urban Meyer of recruiting violations, but it turned out that Kiffin had misunderstood the rules. 

The NCAA at one point gave Kiffin an official reprimand for not knowing the rules.  Kiffin also said that he was going to sing “Rocky Top” all night after beating Florida.  Of course they lost to Florida, but Kiffin celebrated, saying that the whole thing was just a ploy to take the pressure off his kids and put it on himself.  Typical Carroll-lite.  And it didn’t work.  Kiffin also was in charge when Hostess-gate hit the fan.  The NCAA is investigating the use of volunteer Volunteer co-eds or Cheerleaders, who supposedly went way “out of their way” to “greet” recruits and “make them come” to Tennessee.  Kiffin has also been criticized for his low-class communication about the SEC Referees throughout the year, as he must have been trying really hard to find a scapegoat for his horrible team, who lost to UCLA and injured Kevin Prince with a shot to the face.

The pathetic team and all of these transgressions weren’t enough to make the Tennessee fans dislike Kiffin.  But when Kiffin suddenly pulled up stakes and bugged up on Tuesday night, they went ballistic.  He had come there with promises of building a future, and bringing the Vols back to prominence.  But after 14 months and only 1 season, Kiffin is bailing on them, and trying to steal all their recruits.  Ed Orgeron was caught on a cel phone, by a cel phone, calling the Tennessee recruits and offering them scholarships with sc.  Though not illegal, this practice of poaching recruits is highly frowned upon in the World of College Football, but in the world of usc, nothing that gives them a competitive advantage is frowned upon.  And that is why Lane Kiffin is the perfect hire for troy.  He will apparently do ANYTHING, regardless of how scuzzy, just to win.

When Volunteer fans found out that he was pulling a fly-by-night, they rushed the building where he was saying his media goodbyes, and tried to blockade him from leaving.  They started shouting obscenities at him, defacing property with anti-Kiffin slogans, and finally, lit a mattress on fire.  Police and Firemen arrived on the scene to put out the fire and restore order.  A map to Kiffin’s house was posted on line, so now Kiffin needs a Police escort just to leave town.  A few losing years at Figueroa Tech, and those same cops can come back and escort Kiffin out of Southern California.  And then Garrett’s replacement can call Herm Edwards and sc can try to start repairing their deservedly-decimated reputation.