YOU’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT(LOAD OF MONEY)

This is not a (boating) accident:  Kiffin was supposedly hired only after promising to reel in Chow, but despite a million and a half clams in bait, Norm may be “the one who gets away”

It’s hard to resist a million and a half bucks.  And it’s hard to turn down a chance to run a team of 5-star players (instead of the guys whom they beat up in high school).  So, it won’t be shocking if Lane Kiffin is successful in fulfilling his “guarantee” to deliver Norm Chow back to Figueroa Tech.

It’s hard to blame Chow if he wants to finish his career competing for Championships (barring sanctions, of course).  Norm is not a Bruin Alum, and he didn’t really make any long-term promises to UCLA (like Kiffin did to Tennessee).  Not only that, but he was a trojan long before he ever was a Bruin.  So it is his RIGHT to take a job at another school, even sc, especially for a lot more money, and to get a more talented roster.  NO BLAME.   The problem is that when someone goes from a Coaching staff DIRECTLY to the Arch Rival’s Coaching staff, they take with them intimate knowledge that can be used against the other team.  It lessens the sanctity of The Rivalry.  Once you’re a Bruin, you should make a decision to never be a trojan, at least not without a cooling-off period in between.  If Chow really wants to part ways with Neuheisel, or he really wants more money, I can’t believe that he can’t find an O.C. job somewhere other than usc.  In fact, he could probably go to the Seahawks. 

But if he goes back to usc, a place that blatantly disregards NCAA rules, not to mention sportsmanship and class, it would really be disappointing.  Especially since they are facing sanctions, so he might waste two of his last few years, coaching a team that can’t even go to a Bowl, or play on TV, or play AT ALL, for that matter.  The question is, if he leaves UCLA for usc and their money, and then trojan football is disbanded, would you take Chow back at UCLA with open arms?  Is loyalty within The Rivalry just THAT meaningless?  The answer is YES, if it helps you get a leg up in that Rivalry.  But I still don’t ever want Henry Bibby or Ken Norton jr. back — It’s worse with them — They are Bruin Alumni.  They just don’t act like it.

As of this moment (the moment that I’m typing this, NOT the moment that you’re reading it), Chow has NOT agreed to leave UCLA.  In fact, Rick Neuheisel says that Chow remains dedicated to UCLA, and has no intention of departing.  However, Rick went on to say that IF Chow leaves for a huge pay raise, he totally understands and would not hold a grudge, so the possibility definitely still exists. 

Now on the RUMOR side of this story:   

Apparently, sc’s powerful Boosters did NOT approve of Lane Kiffin’s hiring, until Norm Chow’s name was included in a package deal.  When Norm was added, Jerry Buss and Wayne Hughes (that nut from Pubic Storage) stepped up with megafunds for Kiffin’s buyout from Tennessee and for the salaries of the Super Staff.  It’s going to be really hard to root for Jordan Farmar’s Lakers, knowing that trojan honk Buss owns them.  At least I don’t have to store anything at one of Hughes’ storage dumps.

The next, and more important rumor, is that Chow has already received an offer from the trojans, but is using it to get a contract extension from the Bruins.  If UCLA adds enough years to his deal, Chow is set to spurn the trojans’ desperate overtures.  Is it time for Henry Samueli to help the Bruins out?  How about Heather Locklear and Danica McKellar?  Amanda?  Winnie?  A little help?  

Worst Case Scenario:  The Bruins have a reasonable chance to retain Chow but don’t pony up, so he goes to sc, where they avoid sanctions and win it all.  That would be tragic, because you have only yourself to blame.

Second Worst Scenario:  The Bruins DO pony up, and Chow’s Bruin Offenses don’t get any better than last year.  Still better than letting your enemy steal your Coach.  Apparently, being a Coach-Raider is something that ex-Raider Kiffin is known for:  Sports Illustrated said that “Kiffin boasted about hurting his SEC rivals by stealing their coaches.” 

There have been numerous articles in the last two days, all questioning Kiffin’s Integrity.  But he is the perfect fit for usc, and according to one Tennessee player who calls Kiffin a SNAKE, Kiffin tried to turn Tennessee into usc East.  The Volunteer says that Kiffin came into Knoxville with an arrogant and disrespectful attitude that completely disregarded Tennessee’s rich Football tradition.  Kiffin replaced Tennessee’s highlight reel at their Football Headquarters with a video of Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart.  Then Kiffin refused to do a time-honored Volunteer locker room tradition of reciting some treasured maxims.  He is the first Tennessee coach in anyone’s memory that wouldn’t do it.  Then he tried to install a couple of chants and dances, some of which required taking off shirts and jumping around.  Most Volunteers thought it was stupid, and didn’t want to participate.  Kiffin — and Assistant Ed Orgeron — kept pushing, trying to create some new specifically TENNESSEE traditions.  But then the players found out that these rituals were the exact same ones that the trojans do, so they weren’t unique for the Vols at all.

And to top it off, Kiffin instructed the players that they could play X-rated, profanity-laced Rap Music out loud at team functions, even when ex-players were in attendance with their young children.  When the problem was pointed out to Kiffin by some concerned parents, he said that he didn’t care about the kids, because “THAT’S HOW THEY DO IT AT USC!”

Tennessee is SO lucky they got rid of this guy, before he changed the uniforms to ketchup and mustard.

It is also rumored — supposedly by Chow’s son — that Chow hates Kiffin, and really doesn’t want to go back to working with him (let alone FOR him).  However, the almighty dollar, according to the rumor, still might be powerful enough to finance the reconstruction of that badly-burnt bridge.  

Best Case Scenario:  Chow really does hate Kiffin, and is just stringing him along so that Kiffin ends up having to hire someone unknown and lousy at the last second… and Chow guides Heisman Trophy winner Kevin Prince and undefeated UCLA to a BCS Title.  Hey — I said “BEST case!”