WESTBROOK GONE WITH THE WIND?

They “don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no nicknames!” — Oklahoma City narrows Nickname search down to 6 choices;  Hopefully for Russell, they’ll pass on “Wind” (if he frankly gives a damn)

Who’s in charge of new Nicknames for the Oklahoma City team — Tommy the Trojan’s soon-to-be Husband?

The former Seattle Supersonics have reserved six potential new nicknames with the U.S. Patent Office, and it looks like someone in touch with their feminine side has had some input.

“The Oklahoma City WIND????”  Did Russell Westbrook leave school early to become a “Wind?”  Obviously, he would be “The West Wind,” but he’s probably hoping that “The Wind” will be Dust in the Wind before everyone he know starts making  jokes about breaking wind.  Even “Dusters” would have been better, since OKC is NOT in “The WIND Bowl.”  But if they DO choose to Ride Like The Wind, will their Theme Song be “Wind Beneath My Wings?” 

And just what would “The Wind’s” MASCOT look like?  Would Howard Stern be available with his old superhero suit?  Maybe Rush Limbaugh?  Or do you stick with the Wind Beneath My Wings theme, and just have Celine Dion as the Mascot?  She could sing every National Anthem too.  No?  Okay, how about Bette Middler?  It was her song first, and she likes Softball, as long as Jason Alexander isn’t around, so she might be interested in Baseball too.

The same effeminate executive that came up with “Wind,” must have also contributed “Energy.”  “Energy?”  Are you kidding?  When it comes to ideas, there must have been an Energy Crisis.  “Energy” probably came from a Soccer Mom, and someone needs to PULL THE PLUG on it.

The other 4 names are not as bad.  Another of the choices withOUT an “s” at the end (and therefore “trendy”) is “Bison.”  Isn’t this a little insensitive to Native Americans?  Didn’t the White Man Wagon Train roll into Oklahoma once before, wasting all the Native Americans’ Bison (Not to mention, all the Native Americans)?

Or was that just the great white buffaloes?  You’d have to ask Ted Nugent about that one — or look at the back of a Native American-head nickel.  Borrow one from a Cigar Store Native American if you like, but be sure to give it back (get it?).  And yes, we had serious reservations about doing these jokes.

Do you think Russell would be proud to go around telling people that he’s a Bison?  The Bison are a mighty breed, but not really the epitome of grace, speed, skill, beauty, or animal athleticism.  They may be appropriate for Oklahoma City, but it probably wouldn’t be a big draw in the National and International Merchandising Markets.  Do kids really want to draw pictures of bison on their notebooks?  Of course, it’s easier than drawing wind.

Next on the list is “Barons.”  Do they mean like “Beef Barons?”  The ones who got into it with Oprah Winfrey?  The way Oprah is beloved (Obama should make her the VP), going against her does not make you popular.  So many people think of the Beef Barons as Robber Barons.  And then of course there is the Nazi-like Red Baron, who is the ultimate enemy — archrival of lovable Snoopy.  So none of these Barons are worthy of the tribute of having an NBA team named after them.

Besides, for anyone who has been paying attention to the NBA for the past decade, when someone mentions the name “Baron,” they are referring to Bruin great Baron Davis.  So it’s just like when Orlando named their team “Magic,” despite Magic Johnson already “owning” that name.  But that franchise has survived, so if OKC settles on “Barons,” we’ll just be grinnin’ and baron it.

And then there were two.  How do you like the “Marshalls?”  It holds on nicely to the Western motif, while still symbolizing violence and gunplay.  Now THAT’S how to relate to the youth of today.  The team will have to stay very TOUGH, because if they go soft, they’ll be called the “Marshmallows.”  The other obvious problem is the “We are Marshall” movie, and Marshall University.  Even though Marshall is the Thundering Herd and not the Marshalls, it just makes naming a team “The Marshalls” now sort of “un-unique.”  They will never really have a word to themselves.  But “Marshalls” is still one of the best choices.

The final option, and odds-on favorite, is “Thunder.”  It carries the trendiness of not being plural, and it is a reference to the violent thunderstorms that frequently roll across the Oklahoma plains.  However, there is (apparently) already a Pro Soccer team and a Minor League Hockey team both named “Thunder,” so it’s definitely NOT original or unique, and once again, they won’t have a word to themselves.  When you hear the word “Lakers,” there is only one thing that you think about, and it isn’t vacationing water-skiers at Havasu.  Even though the name is location-obsolete, it still has “brand recognition.”  With all the ferocious animals out there, and elments, and mythogical, historical, and fictional  gods and beasts, it’s ridiculous that they can’t find a nickname that isn’t already in common use (besides “Wind”).

But if you don’t mind the lack of creativity, Thunder is a great nickname, especially for Westbrook.  The word “thunderous” has often been used to describe his famous YouTube dunks, and the force with which he attacks the basket.

Of course, how do you DRAW thunder?  Do you draw lightning, and then arrows pointing to a big bubble that says “Boom!”?  That’s okay — as long as they DRAW fans to the Arena, they’ll be okay.

Everyone loves Chocolate Thunder.  No one loves Chocloate Wind.