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Jonesing for Chinese — Trojan Cornerback Jack Jones gets busted for two Felonies, for breaking into a Panda Express at 3:00 am

Ever crave Chinese food rally bad?  At 3am?  Or maybe you crave the money that you think is left overnight in the register drawers?  How stupid do you have to be, expecting something good to happen by breaking into a Panda Express at three in the morning?  You don’t have to be stupid, you just have to be a trojan.

On Friday morning, former u$c Football player Jack Jones was arrested on two felony counts for breaking into a Panda Express at 3 am, along with 2 of his football buddies.  What was he looking for, the secret recipe to Walnut Shrimp?  Was he just super hungry?  Were they going to take kitchen equipment and try to fence it?  Were they going to pilfer cases of frozen egg rolls?  Were they looking for that collecter’s item McNugget Mulan Sauce that was going for thousands on eBay?  If so, they were at the wrong fast food chain.  Or, could they really have been dense enough to think there would be accessible cash?  Don’t they know that the registers are emptied at closing?  Did they bring a safe cracker with them?  Idiots.

Even before this criminal debacle, it was well known that Jack Jones was no brain surgeon.  Maybe a candidate for brain surgery, but definitely not a rocket scientist.  Despite usc’s infamously undemanding academic standards for its football players, Jones was flunking out.  He took time off from football to try to raise his grades to the minimum standard for passing, but couldn’t get it done.  So he was suspended from the team, and planning to go to Junior College (a different Junior College, that is), to get his grades up.  Then he was banking on a triumphant return to troy.  Nice plan, ruined by Moo Goo Gai Pan.

And even before Jones showed his lack of smarts in the classroom, he basically announced to the sports world how clueless he was, claiming that he would win the Heisman Trophy as a Freshman Cornerback.  He persisted in his delusions even after his first year fell a tad short of Heisman recognition.  Maybe when the cops had Jones do the perp walk into the police station jail, he was telling his fellow inmates that he would be the Nation’s Best Convict.  Good thing he likes Chinese, because next on the menu might be Cream of Sum Yung Gai.  #pandamoanium

Panda Express’ website explains to customers “How to Panda.”  Jack Jones just showed how NOT to Panda.

"THE PERP WOK" was published on June 9th, 2018 and is listed in News from the Dark Side.

Comments on "THE PERP WOK": 1 Comment

  1. Rick wrote,

    Did they catch him the first time he tried to break in, or an hour later after he’d already broken in once?

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