Ho, Ho:  The next Ding Dong you hear may be the NCAA coming for Lane Kiffin, who should use the Twinkie Defense to avoid letting the Tennessee Hostess Scandal be the icing on his Cupcake

Lane Kiffin is not a Twinkie.  The shelf-life of a Twinkie is 1000 years, but Kiffin’s is about the same as the milk in your fridge right now, thanks to some Tennessee co-eds.  The issue is NOT whether or not the girls had too much creamy filling – It’s actually about them travelling to high schools to support Tennessee recruiting targets.  And this — along with two other violations – make up the alleged focus of a new NCAA probe. Continue Reading »

Trojan Freak Breaks Teammate’s Cheek:  SC Fullback Stanley Havili has a 5th-year Senior Moment, when he gets in a fight with Cornerback T.J. Bryant, and breaks his face

Could it be ‘Roid Rage?  Could it be Depression due to Sanctions?  Could it be Sheer Stupidity?  Or was it a Perfect Storm of all three?

Last week at a Players-only work-out, Stanley Havili got into a scuffle with fellow trojan-for-life T.J. Bryant, and apparently hit him in the face so hard, that Bryant had to go to the hospital for Cheekbone Surgery.  Havili is a 5th-year Senior, so of course he should KNOW BETTER, and have some self-control.  Head Coach Lane Kiffin wasn’t there, but suggests that the incident was just a failed attempt at “Leadership.”  At usc, Continue Reading »

Attn: Wives (and friends) of Bruin Fans — The following iron-clad rules were written by a long-time UCLA die-hard, re-printed here for you to master and unflinchingly obey

2010 UCLA Football Schedule & Rules

*dates are definite.  However, times are tentative and subject to change without prior notice.

HOME GAMES:  Barring an unforeseen bona-fide emergency situation, I will be attending ALL Home Games without limitation and/or exception.  “Bona-fide emergency situation” does NOT include functions such as birthday parties, weddings, religious ceremonies, most funerals, friend’s events, family celebrations, and especially, events that I “really need” to attend or events that I “really should” attend.  I require at least 3.0 hours pre-game time to prepare and 2.0 hours post-game time to return home.

AWAY GAMES:  All away games will be watched on television to the greatest extent possible and my status should be considered “generally unavailable” during those times.  I expressly reserve the right to invite any fellow UCLA fans, sober or unsober, to watch with me.  Snacks will be provided.  If, in my sole discretion, I choose to attend any “function” (see those listed above) during a televised game, I expressly reserve the right to bring a television, handheld or otherwise, or other electronic device to facilitate my unobstructed reception of the game.  I will require 45 minutes pre-gametime to prepare.  Further, I reserve exclusive use of the wireless internet bandwidth during this time as I may be involved in online “game chats” with fellow Bruin fans.

NOTES:  I expressly reserve the following personal rights on game day, home or away:

1.   To check all household DVRs to ensure there is sufficient memory available to record the entire game, and pre- and post-game analysis.  I will not be responsible for any programs I delete in this process.

2.  To watch a recording of the entire game, or any part thereof, at any time, including immediately upon my return home from said game;

3.  To be in any mood that is necessary and appropriate given the outcome of the game, including, but not limited to, ecstatic, joyous, content, frustrated or downright pissed-off; and

4.  To celebrate or commiserate in any way I see fit, including that which may be harmful or detrimental to my own overall health and well-being (but not that of any others, absent willful consent).

 Thank You In Advance For Your Anticipated Cooperation 

(Strict Adherence To This Schedule And The Foregoing Rules Will Be Generously Rewarded)

Larmz’ UCLA RULES 2010

UCLA Football 2010 Rules (in color)

UCLA Rules 2010 (Word)

2010 UCLA Rules (Corel)

Continue Reading »

Heady Howland happily hires historic hero Tyus Edney as UCLA’s new Director of Men’s Basketball Operations

Infusing NCAA Championship blood into your Program is usually a smart choice, and that is the choice that UCLA Head Coach Ben Howland has made this week. by adding Bruin Champion Tyus Edney to his Staff.

Edney, whose 4.8-second dash to a buzzer-beater in the second-round against Missouri allowed UCLA to go on to the 1995 National Title, will now have the Title of Director of Men’s Basketball Operations.  Edney already knows the x’s and o’s of on-court strategy;  Now he has to learn the x’s and o’s of off-the-court strategy.  He has to acquaint himself with all the complex and restrictive rules of the NCAA, and with all the in’s and out’s of University and Athletic Department protocol.  This position seems like an excellent opportunity in which to learn all this Continue Reading »

Wave hello to some way-gnarley shredding from the 2010 U.S. Open of Surfing, after you surf through a quick Q & A about UCLA Football 2010

Dude!  The prestigious U.S. Open of Surfing is taking place right now in Huntington Beach.  The Nation’s best surfers will be competing in the Orange County beach town also known as Surf City, USA all the way through this coming weekend.

The Open will be host to several concerts, including Weezer, a festival, and more bikini-clad girls than you have ever seen in your life in one place at one time.  Perhaps surfing still outranks Beach Volleyball in Surf City.  I may not be a devotee of the Sport of Pro Surfing, but for some reason, I still had a great time at the event… Continue Reading »

Unlike sc, who repelled all but O.C. Virgin Kennedy Pola, UCLA is able to attract O.C. Legend Norm Chow for two more years

Two years of lackluster results has NOT tarnished the desirability or reputation of Norm Chow.

Apparently, UCLA, usc, and the National Media have given Chow a pass, for fielding one of the Nation’s most pathetic Offenses, for two years in a row.   Chow’s lack of production has made Kai Forbath a Star, with a good chance to break the NCAA All-Time Record for Career Field Goals this season.

But there is a good, and Universally-accepted REASON for Chow’s blatant failures:  He has had almost nothing to work with, especially on the Offensive Line.  Chow’s schemes, and the ability of inexperienced QB’s to avoid trouble, are both destroyed by a porous OL.  Even the brain surgeons across town could see this, and they proved it by desperately trying to lure Chow away from UCLA when Lane Kiffin first arrived.  But Chow rebuffed Kiffin’s advances, telling the Press that he was already where he wanted to be.  Could it be that he KNEW sc was guilty of major infractions, so he correctly anticipated heavy sanctions?  Continue Reading »

BCS Confirms:  If the trojans (who feel entitled to everything) lose their Appeal, their lone BCS Title will be officially stripped

Maybe there are no Balls in the Associated Press, but the BCS may have just redefined what their “B” stands for.  On Tuesday, the BCS announced that upon the [expected] failure of usc’s Appeal of their NCAA sanctions, the trojans’ only BCS Title will be rescinded.

Right about now, a certain crystal football is being flown to “Pawn Stars” in Las Vegas. Continue Reading »

Tro bono:  Ex-trojan Jeff Fisher’s Titans SUE usc and Lane Kiffin for knowingly enticing Kennedy Pola to breach his contract

Lane Kiffin:  The Gift that keeps on Givin’.

Ever since Lane Kiffin was floundering to a 4-12 season with the Oakland Raiders, he has been getting into trouble.  Al Davis called him a liar after firing him.  Then came Tennessee, where he got busted for making false accusations about other Programs, while committing multiple violations himself, before being chased out of town with torches and pitchforks.  He landed at sc, where he has allegedly lied to recruits, committed more violations, and now, unprofesionally and illegally tampered with and stole an Assistant Coach.

The whole State of Tennessee already hated Kiffin, before this theft of Pola.  So the Head of the Tennessee Titans must have been completely FED UP with Kiffin’s continuous weasal-like behavior, and decided to make  a (proverbial) Federal case out of it. Continue Reading »

“Kiss your Asst. goodbye!”  Is that what Lane Kiffin’s voicemail spewed at the Titans’ Head Coach, AFTER Kiffin had already stolen Assistant Kennedy Pola without so much as a heads up?

Smokin’ Pola!  Who knew that ex-trojan Kennedy Pola would be such a smokin’-hot commodity?  How hot?  Hot enough to cause a rift between the current Head Football Coach of usc, and ex-trojan Jeff Fisher, the current and long-time Head Coach of the Tennessee Titans.

Fisher complained to the Media that Kiffin pulled an unprofessional stunt yesterday, by hi-jacking Titans’ Running Back Coach Kennedy Pola without the courtesy of a pre-snatch phone call.  Pola will be the new Offensive Coordinator for usc, while the Titans are left searching to fill an important hole, just days before Training Camp starts.

The usual protocol for such a snatch Continue Reading »

L.A. gains a Bruin, usc loses two more trojans:  Matt Barnes signs with the Purple & Gold while Cardinal & Gold WR’s Carswell and Patterson resign from the “trojan for life” club

Despite Jerry Buss’ trojan affiliation, it will still be okay for Bruin fans to root for the Lakers in 2010-11:  They just signed a Bruin to the team.  Since the players are more important than a semi-retired Owner with one foot in the grave, the addition of UCLA’s Matt Barnes to the Laker roster is a godsend for Laker/Bruin fans.

Barnes actually got into a tiff with Kobe last year, while Barnes was playing for Orlando.  Surprisingly, Barnes was doing a stellar job guarding Kobe, inspiring memories of Ruben Patterson, who always seemed to rise to the occasion as a “Kobe-Stopper.”  But Barnes was a little too aggressive in disrespecting the Hall of Famer, Continue Reading »

After stalling for a while, usc finally cans Mike Garrett, whose cocky stance flushed his Title and his trojans down the troylet;  sc will try to wipe away the stain by pinching Pat Haden from the booth to take the throne

Even the City Dump has Trash Day.  For the cesspool commonly known as usc, they will be taking out the trash on August 3rd, when Figueroa Tech Athletic Director of 17 years Mike Garrett will “retire” (ala Helen Thomas and maybe Mel Gibson).  Garrett, of course, was in charge of overseeing usc’s Sports Programs, while they became a haven for violent criminals, rule-breaking Agents, scrotum-shrinking Steroids, and illegal inducements including blatant cash payoffs in broad daylight, AND houses, cars, and trips, for a Showcase that would make Bob Barker blush.  And by the way, Barker doesn’t endorse usc’s alleged Steroid Abuse, despite being a big believer in neutering mangy mongrels.

Most people believed that Garrett’s days had been numbered ever since the NCAA Sanctions came down.  Continue Reading »

“10″-aisle, Zen-bile, De-nial:  Take a Glance at 10 new UCLA Dance pics, seasoned with a light Summer whine and a hard Fall

The Hall of Fame photos were nice, but it’s been too long since I’ve shared some “never-before-seen” UCLA Cheer photos, so tonight I am breaking the Streak of bleakness — ala the National League.  But before I unfurl the new ten of 10′s, there are are few things that occurred over the last few weeks — while I was compiling the Halls of Fame — that deserve comment.    Some you’d have to be in a coma to have missed, but others you might not be aware of.

It all begins with “The Decision,” ESPN’s LeBron James Made-for-TV Special.  You’ve already seen a dozen critiques of the overblown media circus, and they are all correct… but I am not going to join in with the same contempt.  The sole fact that the ad revenue from the show went directly to the Boy & Girls Clubs Charity made the whole thing “untouchable” from a critic’s point of view.  I think if a guy wants to act like an egotistical “God’s Gift,” while generating massive funds to keep kids off drugs and out of gangs, that’s okay with me. Continue Reading »