Infamous trOJans

(IN)FAMOUS TROJANS
(AND THOSE WHO SHOULD BE)

WORLD’S MOST (IN)FAMOUS TROJANS:

  1. O.J. Simpson (King of the trojans; Double Murderer and proud of it;  Convicted of Armed Robbery and Kidnapping, now serving time).
  2. Todd Marinovich (While on Probation for Heroin, got caught with Methamphetamines and syringes while skateboarding in a prohibited area. Of course, he also RESISTED ARREST).
  3. Keyshawn Johnson (Egomaniac who was accused of planning to hire a hitman to kill his ex-wife; Called Jon Gruden a Mother-F#cker, in the Press; And in April of 2014, was arrested for Domestic Battery, after a fight over marriage left his ex-girlfriend with a gash on her head).
  4. Mark McGwire (ADMITTED Steroid Abuser, who refused to be honest with Congress, only coming clean in a transparent effort to get into the HoF and keep a new job with St. Louis;  Sleazily betrayed [former employer] McDonald’s by doing anti-Big Mac ads for Carl’s Jr.).
  5. Frank Gifford (ADMITTED Adulterer turned P-Whipped milquetoast).
  6. Darrell Russell (Accused of drugging his friend Oceania Vaillancourt with GHB [the date-rape drug], and videotaping her while she was raped by his two buddies. Russell was charged with 25 felonies, including rape, penetration with a foreign object, and oral copulation on an unconscious person. In court, he said that Oceania had consented.  However, on the tape, she looked drugged-out;  Suspended from the NFL for a year for substance abuse, and got 3 months added ON for bad behavior off the field;   Arrested for a DUI, as he was speeding away from a Nevada whorehouse. Sadly, Darrell was recently killed in a high-speed, one-car traffic accident, on La Cienega Blvd., where driver Mike Bastianelli, a fellow ex-trojan [who also died], crashed into about a dozen obstacles including a parked bus).
  7. Winston Justice (Busted for trying to hire a hooker, who was actually an undercover cop;  Arrested on WEAPON charges, after allegedly threatening a fellow student with a gun).
  8. Aaron Boone (Blew 5 million dollars by getting injured playing basketball, which was strictly prohibited in his contract. 6 weeks later he was released by a Yankee team expected to dominate the league).
  9. Wil Poole (Busted for Driving Under the Influence).
  10. R. Jay Soward (Went ballistic in an amusement park, fought with security guards, and got busted for public intoxication on something other than alcohol; Virtually thrown out of the NFL)
  11. Desmon Farmer (Big-mouth, arrogant basketball wannabe who constantly taunted Bruins and Pauley fans)
  12. Mike Williams (Dropped out, insulted his school and fans, hired an agent, came back, and said that his summer school classes are more important than football. Lied about being misled by the NFL and tried to sue, even though the NFL absolutely told him the risks).
  13. Junior Seau (Insulted Blacks with “fried chicken and watermelon” joke, then insulted Gays by insisting that he was not a “homo.”  In 2010, got arrested for Domestic Violence, after battering his live-in girlfriend;  After the arrest, he drove his SUV off a cliff, in an apparent suicide attempt).
  14. Cole Ford (Fired shotgun blasts at Siegfried and Roy and was a fugitive from Police for weeks).
  15. Paige Laurie (The Wal-Mart Heiress who attended SC, but bought much of her schoolwork from another student, for thousands and thousands of dollars. Her name was subsequently stripped from the Arena that had been named in her honor).
  16. Eric Wright (Cornerback who transferred out of sc after a Rape investigation and the finding of 136 Ecstasy Pills in his dormroom;  Then, in July of 2012, arrested for suspicion of FELONY DUI, after injuring a driver by rear-ending him.  Wright admitted that he was drinking, but refused to submit to a Sobriety Test.  His bail was set at $100,000, for the second time in his life).
  17. Hershel Dennis (Tailback who beat a Rape investigation; His girlfriend was supposedly out cold at a drug and alcohol party when he and some of his teammates had sex with her. None of this could ever be proven, except that Dennis was at a party with illegal activities going on).
  18. Randy “Big Unit” Johnson (Arrogant Pitcher who practically attacked a cameraman in New York, and who got suspended for almost killing a guy with a beanball).
  19. Rey Maualuga (linebacker who got busted for kicking the sh!t out of someone;  Glorified by trojans for taunting opponents after delivering dirty late hits out of bounds; Busted for DUI).
  20. Mark Sanchez (QB who before playing his first game has already been busted for drunken vandalism, using a fake I.D. to get into a bar, getting drunk illegally [because he's underaged], and he also incurred a Rape Accusation, when he received fellatio from a co-ed who apparently wasn’t into it).
  21. Matt Leinart (QB who dates skanks then denies it, who blew $10 million by staying at sc for his Senior year, who took only Ballroom Dancing that year, who tells the media how humble he is, who illegally housed a teammate thus putting the whole Program is jeopardy, and who is currently one of the biggest BUSTS in NFL History).
  22. Steve Smith (Wide Receiver who broke teammate Dominique Byrd’s jaw over a dispute about a video game wager).
  23. Reggie Bush (Hotdog Halfback who drove a tricked-out Impala that he didn’t pay for himself, wore huge diamond earrings, and whose family put the program in jeopardy by weaseling free rent and travel expenses out of a wannabe agent.  Even after the NCAA sanctioned u$c for Bush’s transgressions, he still denies it).
  24. Frostee Rucker (Accused of Raping an 11-year old; transferred from CSU after accused of Rape and Indecent Exposure, then got accused of beating up his woman, a trojan co-ed, ten times).
  25. William French Anderson (70+ year old u$c professor CONVICTED and sentenced 14 years for sexually abusing a minor over an extended period of time, while giving kids “Karate lessons” in his home).
  26. Joe Francis (“Girls Gone Wild” Sleazebag in Jail for Contempt of Court re: Tax Evasion charges, and accused of repeatedly violating underaged girls for fun and profit).
  27. Will Ferrell (Hey Trojan Hater:  For your consideration… I nominate Will Ferrell to your list of Infamous Trojans.  This USC grad and football team groupie has “lucked” into the movies despite the fact that he’s a third-rate comedian.  I have never found this guy to be the least bit funny, yet this arrogant Trojan acts like he is the greatest thing since Charlie Chaplin.  I can’t stand the sight of him in movie ads, posters and billboards.  Makes me wanna puke.  Please add him!)   [T-H's Note: Done.]
  28. [Also by suggestion:] Al “A.C.” Cowlings (Cowlings and Simpson were teammates at Galileo High School, San Francisco City College, USC, the Buffalo Bills, and the San Francisco 49ers; they eventually became close friends and confidants. Cowlings is most famous for his role in Simpson’s capture on June 17, 1994, after a low-speed chase by police on Los Angeles freeways, after the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman several days before. Cowlings claims that Simpson pointed a gun to Cowlings’ head, forcing him to take part in Simpson’s flight from the police. The chase was televised on live TV from helicopter cameras, and it is estimated it was viewed by approximately 90 million people in the U.S. alone. Cowlings was the driver, Simpson his passenger, in the now-infamous 1994 white Ford Bronco. The chase ended at Simpson’s mansion in Brentwood, where he then surrendered to Police).
  29. [Also by suggestion:]  Lil “Package Deal” Romeo (Rap Star who rode his friendship with Demar Derozan into a coerced deal with sc, netting Lil Romeo a “scolla-ship” to play Basketball at usc, despite his lack of Basketball talent.  Kevin O’Neill finally dumped him — in May, 2010 – and Romeo was pissed).
  30. Brian Cushing (Long-suspected Steroid freak who finally got busted after his Rookie year in the NFL.  In May, 2010, he was suspended for 4 games, but he still denies responsibility, falsely claiming that he must have cancerous tumors — the only other explanation for his test results).
  31. Kevin Ellison (Busted in May, 2010, for Speeding through a School Zone, and for having 100 Vicodin in the car.  Apparently, the drugs were illegal, or why would he have been arrested?  Then, in 2012, Ellison was arrested for ARSON, for setting his apartment building on fire, with a marijuana cigarette.  Ellison said that GOD told him to do it)
  32. Lendale White (4th & 1 failure who reported to NFL camp fat , lazy, and out of shape, and in May, 2010 got busted for Substance Abuse, suspended for 4 games, and cut from the Seahawks by his old pal Pete Carroll.  White was the THIRD trojan drug bust in May).
  33. O.J. Mayo (Busted by the NCAA for taking illegal inducements to come to u$c, allegedly including a wide screen TV, and an envelope with $1000 cash, delivered by then-Head Coach Tim Floyd).
  34. Mike Garrett (Former u$c Athletic Director who was in charge during all the cheating that the NCAA dropped the hammer on then for.  Garrett still denies all wrongdoing, and claims that the NCAA is just jealous and wants to be trojans).
  35. Lonnie White (Former trojan footballer turned L.A. Times Hack, who ADMITS to taking $14,000 cash while playing at U$C, and violating NCAA rules by scalping his season tickets and selling signed footballs)
  36. Anthony Davis (Former trojan Tailback who lost all his money, lives with his mother in Sylmar, and sold autographs to children supposedly for charity, but there is no evidence to support the existence of any beneficiaries.  The Anthony Davis Foundation was shut down due to this apparent fraud.  Davis also had major trouble with memorabilia, agents, investors, and publishers, while trying to emerge from poverty).
  37. Charles White [by suggestion] ( Former trojan Running Back who was an NFL 1st Round draft Pick but tanked in the Pro’s, due to admitted Cocaine Abuse)
  38. Fred Davis — Tight End got suspended in 2011 by the NFL for failing multiple marijuana tests.  Then he claimed he was cleaned up, but in 2014 failed another test and was suspended again for having a banned substance in his system.  He claimed he unknowingly ingested it in a supplement.  Within 24 hours of his suspension, he was busted by Police for a DWI.

HONORARY TROJANS

  1. Henry Bibby (Biggest traitor in UCLA history)
  2. Digger Phelps (Tied–Worst coach in history, and most disrespectful of UCLA)
  3. George Raveling (Tied—Worst coach in history)
  4. Jim Bush (3rd biggest traitor in UCLA history [the biggest in Track & Field])
  5. Kato Kaelin (Trojan by Injection)
  6. Jason Kidd (Wife-beater, and left scene of an injury accident; Added a DWI in 2012)
  7. Gary Payton (His selfishness destroyed the Lakers’ Dynasty from within. Also, he was an arrogant jerk towards Bruin fans while at Oregon State)
  8. Osama Bin Laden (From Afghani Cave to South Central: Not an upgrade. His brother and sister-in-law Yeslam and Carmen Bin Laden, WERE ACTUALLY TROJAN STUDENTS)
  9. Scottie Pippen (For refusing to play when his coach called a play for Kukoc instead of for him).
  10. Spike Lee (For unmitigated arrogance, in suing “Spike TV” because he was worried that it would hurt his reputation — as what, a whiny racist hack? How could Stripperella and Ren & Stimpy do that?)
  11. Ken Norton jr. (2nd biggest traitor of All-time, for pulling a “Bibby,” by being an All-American Bruin (linebacker), then screwing his faithful fans by choosing to coach at USC. There were 116 other schools that would have been happy to have him, but scratch UCLA OFF that list as of right now. We feel like Ali’s jaw, when Ken Norton SR. broke it. (By the way, Norton Sr was under the spell of the great Hypnotist DR. DEAN when he performed that feat).
  12. Danny Ainge (Crybaby, towel-thowing, overrated whiner).
  13. John Elway (Arrogant jerk ever since his days at Granada Hills High, recently swindled out of $15 Million by trying to get involved in a Ponzi scheme).
  14. Karl Malone (Hypocritical thug who forced Magic Johnson into retirement with false rumors and innuendo, then refused to ride a stationary bike, leading to the demise of the Lakers in the 2004 Finals).
  15. Jim Saia (Former Bruin Basketball assistant coach, who became Head Coach for USC overnight).
  16. Snoop Dogg (aka Snoop Doggy Dogg, aka Calvin Broadus; Ex-con and drug-promoting Gangsta Rapper, who was arrested in a drive-by shooting incident, and played and coached at an SC football practice [following in the footsteps of fellow criminal trojan O.J. Simpson]).
  17. Wilmer Valderrama — (The guy who played “Fez” on “That 70′s Show” — Not only is his character pathetically un-funny, but he has become SC’s unofficial sideline mascot — Like Traveler, but just the back end).
  18. Nick Lachey (Based on this, the second letter asking for his inclusion:) “Looked at your ‘honorary trojans’ section. You’re missing a key member. Nick Lachey. From Ohio, went to college in Ohio, now pretends he’s a trojan and tries to hold Matt Leinart’s jock, even though he’s about 10 years his senior.”[Editors' note: Thanks to "Lundsy" and "Molson" for bringing this up]
  19. Colin Cowherd — TV Sportscaster and trojan-lover who thinks sc has great scholars on their Football team [This entry also suggested by readers]
  20. Michael Cooper — Ex-Laker and current usc Women’s Basketball Coach who, after a victory over UCLA, said at a Press Conference:  “My opening statement is ‘F*ck UCLA!’”